Grief Reactions by Age

​​The following are general categories, not all children will fit “neatly” in to one of these groups. It may be helpful to read through each group to gain a better understanding of how grief affects children and teens of different ages.
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​Be mindful that each child is different and grief looks different for everybody.

A Young Child: 3-5 Years of Age

UNDERSTANDING

• Sees death as temporary, believes that the person will return or can be visited
• Has difficulty handling concepts such as heaven, the soul or spirit
• Feels sadness, but often for only a short time and often escapes into play, giving adults the impression the child isn’t really grieving
• Substitutes attachment to another person in exchange for attachment to person who died
• Needs a daily routine, structure, affection, and reassurance
• Acting out behaviors include: regression, nightmares, aggression, non-compliance

GRIEF REACTIONS

• A young child will begin to examine death with words.
• A young child understands the profoundness of the event, but may not know that the person is gone.
• A young child’s primary expression of feeling will be through his/her play.
• A death affects a young child’s sense of security.
• A young child can express strong feelings in his/her sleep and dreams.
• A young child may address a loss more spontaneously than an adult and thus may “recover” from it more quickly.

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School Age Child : 6-10 Years of Age

​UNDERSTANDING

• Begins to understand that death is final and permanent
• Begins to have a fear of death and of others dying
• May feel guilt (magical thinking) and blame self for the death
• Has difficulty putting problems and feelings into words
• Often asks concrete and specific questions about the death, the body, etc.
• Identifies strongly with the deceased

GRIEF REACTIONS

• Acting out behaviors include: compulsive care giving, aggression, possessiveness, regression, headaches, stomachaches, phobias
• Language is becoming a more important tool in the processing of a child’s grief.
• Physical expressions of the grief a child does not have the words to express.
• The family is a grieving child’s main security.
• Peer relationships can help to support a child through a grieving time and help to avoid their feeling different.
• School responsibilities and outcomes may be affected

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Pre-Adolescent: 11-13 Years of Age

UNDERSTANDING

• Recognizes that death is inevitable and irreversible
• May view death as punishment
• Retains some elements of magical thinking
• Often very curious and interested in the “gory” details
• May come up with own theories or explanations of the reasons for the death
• May have many practical questions about the body, the funeral, etc.
• Acting out behaviors include: aggression, possessiveness, headaches, stomachaches, phobias, defiance

GRIEF REACTIONS

• The preadolescent is a young person full of changing behaviors when grieving. Emotional turmoil is heightened by physical change.
• The preadolescent may swing back and forth in dependence support from the family to the peers.
• The preadolescent begins to engage in discussion that integrates significant events in his/her life, but physical outlets for emotions are still necessary.

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Adolescence: 14-19 Years of Age

UNDERSTANDING

• Nearing adult levels of concepts
• May worry or think about own death
• Often avoids discussions of death
• Fears “looking different”
• May question religious beliefs
• Often angry at the deceased
• May fear the future
• Acting out behaviors include: aggression, possessiveness, headaches, stomachaches, phobias, increased sexual activity, increased drug use, increased risk-taking, defiance, suicidal ideation.

GRIEF REACTIONS

• Discussion of the critical events becomes the primary means of processing grief.
• Teens may feel highly self-conscious about being different due to grief.
• Teens are self-centered and thus have an exaggerated sense of their own role in regards to death.
• Teens may fight their vulnerability in grief because it may cause them to feel more dependent on their family at a time when they are striving for independence.
• Teens are affected physically by the grieving process, especially in their sleeping and eating patterns.

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Adapted from the Dougy Center for Grieving Children